Jerks Everywhere

I never realized the full meaning of the word "Loser" until I have come upon this guy.

Rewind.

My friends at the office and I never fail to have lunch at Jollibee in Rufino atleast once a week. One, because of the newspaper. Two, because it's near. Three, due to limited options.

It was a relatively newly-opened branch so I think the staff/crews noticed that we come around often. One time, one the dining crews approached us to get our names, contact details, birthdays and all. Apparently, to "reward" constant customers.

Fast Forward.

I received this text message from one "Johann" (yes, I'm naming you) asking me what my name is, where I'm working and what not. I asked him how he got my number. After a LOT of beating around the bush, he admitted that he got it from the logbook at Jollity Rufino. - calling Jollity crews, it is so NOT ethical to give out customers's private details esp phone numbers under any non-business reasons.

Ok, so I'm not born yesterday so I know that he really didn't want to be textmates (because I suck at it) with me. But I asked him his what his intentions are all the same. (This is to end any illusions of us watching movies together - properly) He said that he merely wanted to be friends with me. Ok. Sure. I'll leave you in peace. Then he insisted that I send my picture to his phone. Of course I declined. So i dared him to send his first. He did. I asked him how old he is. He is 20. An ominous sign.

Present. Play.

Mr Johann (soon to be Mr Loser) texted me again tonight. He kept on bugging that we go out sometime. And being the Ms brutally honest myself, I told him that we could only be friends because I think that he's too young for me. And I mean it not just because of the numbers, but because of his attitude. And God knowsI dont want to be a 'Nanny to an over-emotional, overly-dramatic kid with ADHD'.

He kept on telling me that I ought to give him a chance.. yada yada yada. He also kept on asking me if it's because of his appearance and all. I told him that it is not for anything else but the difference in the way we think and see things. He's too young for me.

And then he texted, "Ang sama mo!"

Naturally, my reply was, "Anong ginawa ko sayo."

And he said, "Ganyan talaga kayong mga babae. Wala nang ibang mahalaga sa inyo kundi pera!" (yeah, i know. i'm telling you, my head still ache, trying to comprehend)

I was like, "What?!"

And he went on like, "naisip mo ba yan nung iniinsulto mo ko..." and things like "sayang, i really wanted to be with you... yada yada yada"....

I'm telling you, that boy has to consider serious psychiatric help because I dont think we even have a name for his condition.

And then he finished off with a never ending messages of 'Ang sama mong gurl..."

Yeah, I know, go figure.

I have very high respects for the members of the opposite sex (and to those who are not defined by Male and Female), and the last thing that I would dreamm to do is to insult anybody because of their appearance.

Trust me, I know how painful it is to be seen not by who you are but by how "thin or big" youy are.

So for this guy to accuse me these things and to insult me, I'm sorry but I will not take it lying down.

So if ever that fate will give me the chance of meeting Mr Loser, you can bet for an explosive blog entry on this very page.

What a

L

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R

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I am welcoming myself back...

First of all, give me 5 seconds to immerse myself again in this venue of self-expression. Please excuse me, but it has been a long time since I have last sought the comforts of this sanctuary.

5

4

3

2

1

.

Ok.
I"m ready.

Let's start from the beginning which is actually the end too.
Confused?
I"m talking about graduation.

Well, there's not so much I can say about my graduation.

It's fine.
It's sad.
It's so painful for my feet.

But anyway, if there's one thing that I've realized in that graduation it is this:
"I never thought you can squeeze in a whole lot of cliches in a "5-minute speech".

Now, the aftermath.
I'm talking about job-hunting.

It's a good thing and a bad thing, this technology.
It allows you to apply on job openings without leaving the comforts of your home.
The bad thing is, so can thousands of job-seekers.

I only went to two interviews.
I got accepted at both.
I pushed through with the second one.

The job's -- uhm -- okay, or at least that's what I have been telling myself just so I can prevent myself in falling into a deep frustration.
I find myself in everyday wonder as to how I managed to get myself into this situation. Oh well, I guess we all have moments of temporary insanity.

And now I have to prove myself. I put myself into this. I will save myself from all these.

Yet God has his own way of telling me things I need to know..learn...and experience.

Apart from the job that I feel confused about, here comes another -- uhm -- situation I never was and never will be prepared of.

I am not going to name "it" because I know that you know what I am talking about. Nowadays I spend my time humiliating myself by thinking about it every minute so please allow me to preserve a bit of my dignity.

***Deep breath***

Okay, so I still can't really talk about it.
Let me just rant.

I had always believed in myself. I had always loved myself.
I had always trusted myself.

But for the past month or so, I have been sucked into this limbo of mental drain and emotional chaos I couldn't even find my way back.

It was like being hit by a car. You can see it coming. Everything slows down.
All of your senses suddenly become alert at once. You see not just the car.
You see it's color, the headlights, the features. Despite the fact that you know that it's going to hurt real bad after, you still notice how shiny it is, how beautiful it is.

And then when it finally hits you, you find yourself thrown in the air, flinging your arms helplessly to find something to hold on to.

And then you found yourself lying alone, on the cold pavement.
Scrutinizing eyes surrounds you.
Some feel sorry for you. Some just curious. Some secretly laughs at you.
Because you're still alive.

And so you stood up. You managed to get onto your feet. You looked around and felt weird. You looked around and decided it's time to go home.

And so I welcome myself back.
I welcome myself back.

"Friends"

A friend of mine needed my help -- rather my ear.
She just wanted someone to listen to her, to understand her.
Because she felt like suddenly, everyone turned against her.

Let me tell you about my friend.
We have a lot in common.
We like movies, music (though we have different taste in this), CSI, One Tree Hill, name it.
This girl is so smart, many people are --uhm-- intimidated. Some even hate her for it.

But she is sweet, if you would have the sense to get to know her.
She's a true friend.
She won't give up on you.

What I don't understand is why people, all shallow and dumb, around her do not get that. They have been backstabbing her, saying awful things behind her back all because of the stupid things that are not her fault. And they have been "friends" for years.

I don't understand why people like us experience this kind of treatment.

I had a friend whom I stood up for and defended against everybody for five years.
And it turned out that she had been backstabbing me the whole time.
I had a friend who wanted what I was receiving and ended up breaking me, but she still did not get what she wanted.

Friendship.

You really just can't get that from everybody.

So I told my friend this,
"You're tough. You can live without them. They do not deserve your tears because they cannot even be half of what you are."

You don't need the "cool" barkada, you don't need to "fit" in.
Because at the end of the day, none of it will matter.

Switch

Recently, I did a favor for my friend.

She had this guy, her ex-boyfriend, and she wants him back.
To win him back, she wants me to call him and explain her side and practically, do all the work to get them back together.

I don't know what I was thinking but I actually agreed to help her. It took me a while to really consider the matter. See, I never call my friends' ex-boyfriends.

I just don't see the point.

Aside from the glaring fact that "friend, he doesn't want you anymore", I don't see the point of making me talk to him when you could just pluck-up the courage to tell him whatever it is you want to tell him yourself. What's my use?

What made me do it?

She is a very, very dear friend of mine and this is the first time I ever saw her put this much love on a guy. She generally doesn't care whenever the relationship's over. I call it the "Switch". She has this amazing power of a "switch" that she can turn on and off on every relationship she had.

But this is different. She's in floods everytime I see her and God knows, I never had peace in my life ever since she and that guy broke-up. She made it a point to let me know if she's crying, sad, missing him, etc..which is basically every minute of the day.

So I took pity on her. Hell, if she really loves this guy so much, then I can grit my teeth and call this lucky guy once and for all.

It didn't turn-out so good. They did not reconcile.

Well, I must admit, the guy has his reasons. Which I cannot argue with completely, because I am not her. See! this is the main reason why I don't want to do things like this.

So I continued to be the 'messenger' -- or the 'absorber' more like -- and lived like a fed-up bridge.

They finally came to their senses last Sunday.

One event lead them to totally hate one another and decided not to talk to each other ever again.

My friend came to my house and I looked at her cautiously. I was honestly afraid she might break into pieces right into our terrace.

She didn't.

Damn.

I forgot all about the "switch".

You were Never in my Christmas

This is the time of the year when everybody feels extra sentimental about everything.
This is the time of the year when absence is intensified by Christmas Carols.
This, for the last four years, has been the time of the year that I include one particular wish to my list and wait in vain for it to happen.

A year ago, I would have been glad for a simple text message from you.
A year ago, I would have felt "kilig" to read (since it seems to be a huge "imposition" to hear from you) your unfeeling, pretentious greeting.
A year ago, I would have given anything to bring everything back to how it used to be.

It is amazing what 365 days and nights can do to your life.

Now, everytime I remember how lonely I was whenever you ignore me, I laugh.
Now, you can try your hardest to make me feel out-ouf-place on every high school gathering for all I care.
You can even continue to boast about some skinny, little, fair-complexioned, stupid-girl you say you are currently "on" with.
Now, you can freely feel good about yourself for hurting me.

Because I Don't Give A Damn Anymore.

It feels so good to say these words and finally Mean it.
It feels so good to have what I have lost in myself back.
I laugh.
I smile.

I think about the last Christmas that I allowed myself to be lonely because of you. How stupid was I to let you ruin this time of the year when I should celebrate about life?

Well, that won't ever happen again. I won't let it.

You were never in my Christmas anyway.