Old Photos, New Memories

I have this habit of looking through our old photographs at least once every week.
I LOVE looking at old pictures. They give me that feeling of happiness and nostalgia.

Last night, I rummaged through our boxes again and found pieces of old photos that I haven't seen before. Old pictures of my lolo and lola.

My lolo Gerardo passed away before my older brother was born. A lot of people are telling me that it was unfortunate that he did not live long enough to see me and vice versa, I feel unfortunate that I have not been able to experience his "spoiling". My Mom and Tita told me that my Lolo was one of the pioneers of our Citizen's Brigade Band and that he wrote many of its core pieces. He plays the saxophone for the Air Force Band and boy, I would've loved to learn how to play the saxophone. Unfortunately (again) for me, his cousin borrowed his saxophone and did not return it and now my second third cousin Dan is using it and refused to give it back to us. Oh, well... I wanted to fight but my Mom told me to drop it.

My lola left us just recently, actually it was when Milenyo hit Luzon. Our house was not at all damaged but I would rather have a missing roof than experience this terrible feeling of missing her. Nanay raised her children alone when lolo passed away. She was just an ordinary housewife then but was skilled enough to get all her four children through college. She made clothes and uniforms and pretty much saved her money up to the last cent just to assure the future of her children. Nanay is the eldest of the 11 siblings. Being the eldest and a female, her parents did not let her finish school because they want her youngest brother to get the education they can only afford to give to one child.
Nanay, eventhough she really wanted to study, sacrificed and only finished grade two. But Tita said that she was impeccable at Math.
However, her youngest and most favored brother wasted away and have, until Nanay died, relied on Nanay for everything. But Nanay never forgot to take care of her brothrs and sisters.
We are aware that a lot of them, if not all, owe her huge amounts of money but are not bothering to pay her back. Nanay never talked about it in front of us but I was silently cursing them for doing that to her. And during those times when she was lying in her coffin, I was thinking, "look at her, she died taking care of us, taking care of you.Even though I know that she knew that you talked about her when she's not around."

I saw a picture of Nanay when she was young. She already looked tough. Maybe at the time when this photo was taken, she already accepted her fate. I don't know. But I terribly, terribly miss her.

Something to write about...

I really don't like family gatherings.
Is it bad? I'm sorry, let me rephrase it.
I really don't like some family gatherings.
Why?
Because they are just the same.

I woke up Monday morning and found my mother, aunts, and cousins already cleaning the house and cooking food. I thought, "oh yeah, our relatives are coming today. Damn."
Ever since I was a kid, I was reluctant to face our relatives. It's not that I'm afraid of them, actually I have this feeling that they're kind of intimidated by me. I just don't like the way they'd greet us.

"Aba, talaga namang hindi kayo pinapabayan ng nanay nyo ha," one will say with that nasty grin.
"Ito na ba si Marisse? Aba'y mas malaki pa sa'yo ah," another will say with the same nasty grin.

And then as the day goes on, and I swear that this happens every single family gathering, one particularly annoying relative would ask and say, "may boyfriend ka na ba?" I would shake my head, dying with exasperation. "Aba, wala. Wag kang mag-alala. Meron din dyang makakapansin sa'yo," this particularly annoying relative would say. Then she would nudge herself closer to me in that conspirational fashion and would stage an ill-disguised whisper, "pero syempre kailangan magpa-payat ka pa ng konti, hehehe.." then she'll go on about her daughter having 10 suitors and not knowing what to do. Yadayadayadayada...

It's the same thing over and over again I'm sick of it all.

I'm sick of the pretending.
I'm sick of the boasts.
I'm sick of the taunts.
I'm sick of all those dieting conversations that I don't want, thank you very much.

I wonder when will they realize that I'm not like them who value appearance the most. (though, it's not apparent when you see them, believe me)
I don't want to be skinny. Albeit I admit that I do want to loose a few pounds but I am not doing it because I want to have a boyfriend. (there's just this jeans that I can't resist but i need to shed an inch to fit in it=p)
I am doing it for myself.

They always do that. My Tita suffers the same fate every gathering. She's still single at the age of 43. An old maid, in short. But I don't understand why they can't understand that she's happy with her life even without a husband. Of course she would love to have a child of her own, but regardless, she's happy.

It's her choice. It's my choice. I don't need you telling me that I can't be happy being the way that I am. Because being thin doesn't mean that you are a better person. Let us be.

Oh, by the way, the particularly annoying relative who constantly boasts about her daughter is not exactly a person to be envied.
Her so-called "beautiful" daughter got pregnant at the age of 16 and is pregnant again with another guy's child. But this current father of her child is apparently not her present boyfriend either. What's funnier is that when she got interrogated by the whole family, she can't pinpoint who the father really is.

And I was there, at one corner, eating chocolate mousse cake.

An Unwanted Proof

It is rare that I let myself get disappointed with guys -- in general.
I mean, I know that not all boys are the same and that there are some who are -- uhm-- at least a bit (or so i hope) matured.

But then again, nature has its ways to get me into a rude awakening.

For less than 2 weeks I thought I found somebody who is basically unlike any other guy. I thought I finally got to see a sensible guy who really don't go for looks alone.
A guy who can really see right through a girl's soul. Someone who is not perturbed by good looks and skinny body. Someone who is genuinely interested in getting to know a girl because she has a good mind and heart.

When I met this guy, let's call him Nicey, I thought he's kind of "harmless" for a guy with his looks. He's not Gorgeous, but he's Nice-looking -- "Decent-looking". He is ever so polite with everybody. He doesn't flirt like most of the guys in his environment do ( but now i come to think about it, he's probably not just "openly" flirting).
Although I'm not interested on him that "Romantically" I admit that I have come to really like him and --- heck, yeah, I had a crush on him.

And so I went on admiring him. Glad that I finally found a guy who's --uhmm-- how will I put it? Okay, let tell you this first. Recently, I accepted a temporary work in a company as an encoder together with four other girls. This company is actually a plantation that makes glass. What you could expect from this kind of place is that 98% of the workers there are men. So I wasn't really surprised to see these men staring at us when we go to work.

Let me tell you about the other girls. I became friends with them. We had fun together. Two of them, let's call them Giggly and Loudy, look like your high school cheerleaders -- if you know what I mean. Fair-complexioned, skinny girls who are rarely seen without make-up? That's them.

Anyway, I have no problems whatsoever with them getting most of the attention of these obnoxious, forsaken, chauvinists; what I most cared about is that Nicey treated us fairly, engineer to an encoder.

To tell you the truth, I don't know the exact thing that happened that made me open my eyes to the real situation. i guess it was 85% instinct. It's something, I am beginning to realize, that I think God gave me to protect myself from these creatures.

Okay, fine, I saw them flirting. Period.

Okay, I know that not all flirty people are bad, but I'm sorry, I just don't see the point of doing it. Nicey has a girlfriend and I just thought, "is it worth it to tarnish what you described as your 'happiest relationship' just to be able to exchange giggles and meaningful jokes with another equally hollow-headed being?"

I actually saw more things than mere flirting but I'd rather not write about those. Even to think of it makes me sick.

And so I got my unwanted proof. Unwittingly received but appreciated all the same.

Hmmnn.. I don't want to be entirely skeptical with all this so I just think that I am yet to find that one guy who would look me straight to the eye and tell me that I am the most beautiful person he'd ever met.

Ha ha!!