Saturday, July 14, 2007

I am welcoming myself back...

First of all, give me 5 seconds to immerse myself again in this venue of self-expression. Please excuse me, but it has been a long time since I have last sought the comforts of this sanctuary.

5

4

3

2

1

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Ok.
I"m ready.

Let's start from the beginning which is actually the end too.
Confused?
I"m talking about graduation.

Well, there's not so much I can say about my graduation.

It's fine.
It's sad.
It's so painful for my feet.

But anyway, if there's one thing that I've realized in that graduation it is this:
"I never thought you can squeeze in a whole lot of cliches in a "5-minute speech".

Now, the aftermath.
I'm talking about job-hunting.

It's a good thing and a bad thing, this technology.
It allows you to apply on job openings without leaving the comforts of your home.
The bad thing is, so can thousands of job-seekers.

I only went to two interviews.
I got accepted at both.
I pushed through with the second one.

The job's -- uhm -- okay, or at least that's what I have been telling myself just so I can prevent myself in falling into a deep frustration.
I find myself in everyday wonder as to how I managed to get myself into this situation. Oh well, I guess we all have moments of temporary insanity.

And now I have to prove myself. I put myself into this. I will save myself from all these.

Yet God has his own way of telling me things I need to know..learn...and experience.

Apart from the job that I feel confused about, here comes another -- uhm -- situation I never was and never will be prepared of.

I am not going to name "it" because I know that you know what I am talking about. Nowadays I spend my time humiliating myself by thinking about it every minute so please allow me to preserve a bit of my dignity.

***Deep breath***

Okay, so I still can't really talk about it.
Let me just rant.

I had always believed in myself. I had always loved myself.
I had always trusted myself.

But for the past month or so, I have been sucked into this limbo of mental drain and emotional chaos I couldn't even find my way back.

It was like being hit by a car. You can see it coming. Everything slows down.
All of your senses suddenly become alert at once. You see not just the car.
You see it's color, the headlights, the features. Despite the fact that you know that it's going to hurt real bad after, you still notice how shiny it is, how beautiful it is.

And then when it finally hits you, you find yourself thrown in the air, flinging your arms helplessly to find something to hold on to.

And then you found yourself lying alone, on the cold pavement.
Scrutinizing eyes surrounds you.
Some feel sorry for you. Some just curious. Some secretly laughs at you.
Because you're still alive.

And so you stood up. You managed to get onto your feet. You looked around and felt weird. You looked around and decided it's time to go home.

And so I welcome myself back.
I welcome myself back.