Indifference

August 01, 2005. It's my birthmonth. I thought finally, things will somehow go my way since for the last two months my life have been somewhat-bland. I was so ready to make this month "my month". But how wrong i was.

August 01, 2005. I entered the familiar banged door. It still took me five minutes just to open it. I climbed the same stairs. Looked at the same face at the same mirror. Smelled the same orange scent of the familiar room. Everything was the same... yet it was not.

It was not the same friendly house. It was not the same smiling faces. It was not the same booming voices.
No more of the senseless talks about anything. No more of the overflowing rice on the dining table. No more of the warmth I fell in love with since the beginning.

No more of the family i once felt i belonged.

I don't know what happened. One second you are all talking to me animatedly, telling me about your babes, your weekend, your professor, your life. Then almost instantly you cannot meet my eyes. Silence took all of you and left me in confusion, wondering what i've done wrong.

Why?

No matter how i squeeze my brain i could not think of any possible reasons or anything i've done wrong to get your cold looks.

Why?

I thought we were all getting on so well. I thought there's a bond between us. I thought i've already prooved myself enough to be worthy of some explanation to take me away from this miserable feeling of lost. I thought we were friends.

I don't understand.

But every second of the day i am starting to care less and less. Every time i get no answer to my questions i became colder and colder. In every minute i am constantly reminded of your indifference. I am going back inside of the walls i once thought i can get rid of whenever i'm home, whenever i'm with you all.

The miserable feeling is now starting to befriend anger.

You are constantly telling people about your goodness and of how "astig" you are that you will tell anyone how you feel about them. Where is it now? You call yourself frank, tell you what, i call you backstabber. You call yourself honest, but in front of me, you're a bunch of lies. You don't even have the decency to tell me what's happening or if there's a problem with or what i have done wrong to you. You don't even have the decency to let me know.

I am lost. I am confused. I am mad.

How dare you.