Mars's chocolate bars

Jerks Everywhere

2008-11-17T00:52:00.000-08:00

I never realized the full meaning of the word "Loser" until I have come upon this guy.

Rewind.

My friends at the office and I never fail to have lunch at Jollibee in Rufino atleast once a week. One, because of the newspaper. Two, because it's near. Three, due to limited options.

It was a relatively newly-opened branch so I think the staff/crews noticed that we come around often. One time, one the dining crews approached us to get our names, contact details, birthdays and all. Apparently, to "reward" constant customers.

Fast Forward.

I received this text message from one "Johann" (yes, I'm naming you) asking me what my name is, where I'm working and what not. I asked him how he got my number. After a LOT of beating around the bush, he admitted that he got it from the logbook at Jollity Rufino. - calling Jollity crews, it is so NOT ethical to give out customers's private details esp phone numbers under any non-business reasons.

Ok, so I'm not born yesterday so I know that he really didn't want to be textmates (because I suck at it) with me. But I asked him his what his intentions are all the same. (This is to end any illusions of us watching movies together - properly) He said that he merely wanted to be friends with me. Ok. Sure. I'll leave you in peace. Then he insisted that I send my picture to his phone. Of course I declined. So i dared him to send his first. He did. I asked him how old he is. He is 20. An ominous sign.

Present. Play.

Mr Johann (soon to be Mr Loser) texted me again tonight. He kept on bugging that we go out sometime. And being the Ms brutally honest myself, I told him that we could only be friends because I think that he's too young for me. And I mean it not just because of the numbers, but because of his attitude. And God knowsI dont want to be a 'Nanny to an over-emotional, overly-dramatic kid with ADHD'.

He kept on telling me that I ought to give him a chance.. yada yada yada. He also kept on asking me if it's because of his appearance and all. I told him that it is not for anything else but the difference in the way we think and see things. He's too young for me.

And then he texted, "Ang sama mo!"

Naturally, my reply was, "Anong ginawa ko sayo."

And he said, "Ganyan talaga kayong mga babae. Wala nang ibang mahalaga sa inyo kundi pera!" (yeah, i know. i'm telling you, my head still ache, trying to comprehend)

I was like, "What?!"

And he went on like, "naisip mo ba yan nung iniinsulto mo ko..." and things like "sayang, i really wanted to be with you... yada yada yada"....

I'm telling you, that boy has to consider serious psychiatric help because I dont think we even have a name for his condition.

And then he finished off with a never ending messages of 'Ang sama mong gurl..."

Yeah, I know, go figure.

I have very high respects for the members of the opposite sex (and to those who are not defined by Male and Female), and the last thing that I would dreamm to do is to insult anybody because of their appearance.

Trust me, I know how painful it is to be seen not by who you are but by how "thin or big" youy are.

So for this guy to accuse me these things and to insult me, I'm sorry but I will not take it lying down.

So if ever that fate will give me the chance of meeting Mr Loser, you can bet for an explosive blog entry on this very page.

What a

I am welcoming myself back...

2007-07-14T05:43:00.000-07:00

First of all, give me 5 seconds to immerse myself again in this venue of self-expression. Please excuse me, but it has been a long time since I have last sought the comforts of this sanctuary.

5

4

3

2

1

.

Ok.
I"m ready.

Let's start from the beginning which is actually the end too.
Confused?
I"m talking about graduation.

Well, there's not so much I can say about my graduation.

It's fine.
It's sad.
It's so painful for my feet.

But anyway, if there's one thing that I've realized in that graduation it is this:
"I never thought you can squeeze in a whole lot of cliches in a "5-minute speech".

Now, the aftermath.
I'm talking about job-hunting.

It's a good thing and a bad thing, this technology.
It allows you to apply on job openings without leaving the comforts of your home.
The bad thing is, so can thousands of job-seekers.

I only went to two interviews.
I got accepted at both.
I pushed through with the second one.

The job's -- uhm -- okay, or at least that's what I have been telling myself just so I can prevent myself in falling into a deep frustration.
I find myself in everyday wonder as to how I managed to get myself into this situation. Oh well, I guess we all have moments of temporary insanity.

And now I have to prove myself. I put myself into this. I will save myself from all these.

Yet God has his own way of telling me things I need to know..learn...and experience.

Apart from the job that I feel confused about, here comes another -- uhm -- situation I never was and never will be prepared of.

I am not going to name "it" because I know that you know what I am talking about. Nowadays I spend my time humiliating myself by thinking about it every minute so please allow me to preserve a bit of my dignity.

***Deep breath***

Okay, so I still can't really talk about it.
Let me just rant.

I had always believed in myself. I had always loved myself.
I had always trusted myself.

But for the past month or so, I have been sucked into this limbo of mental drain and emotional chaos I couldn't even find my way back.

It was like being hit by a car. You can see it coming. Everything slows down.
All of your senses suddenly become alert at once. You see not just the car.
You see it's color, the headlights, the features. Despite the fact that you know that it's going to hurt real bad after, you still notice how shiny it is, how beautiful it is.

And then when it finally hits you, you find yourself thrown in the air, flinging your arms helplessly to find something to hold on to.

And then you found yourself lying alone, on the cold pavement.
Scrutinizing eyes surrounds you.
Some feel sorry for you. Some just curious. Some secretly laughs at you.
Because you're still alive.

And so you stood up. You managed to get onto your feet. You looked around and felt weird. You looked around and decided it's time to go home.

And so I welcome myself back.
I welcome myself back.

"Friends"

2007-02-09T23:18:00.001-08:00

A friend of mine needed my help -- rather my ear.
She just wanted someone to listen to her, to understand her.
Because she felt like suddenly, everyone turned against her.

Let me tell you about my friend.
We have a lot in common.
We like movies, music (though we have different taste in this), CSI, One Tree Hill, name it.
This girl is so smart, many people are --uhm-- intimidated. Some even hate her for it.

But she is sweet, if you would have the sense to get to know her.
She's a true friend.
She won't give up on you.

What I don't understand is why people, all shallow and dumb, around her do not get that. They have been backstabbing her, saying awful things behind her back all because of the stupid things that are not her fault. And they have been "friends" for years.

I don't understand why people like us experience this kind of treatment.

I had a friend whom I stood up for and defended against everybody for five years.
And it turned out that she had been backstabbing me the whole time.
I had a friend who wanted what I was receiving and ended up breaking me, but she still did not get what she wanted.

Friendship.

You really just can't get that from everybody.

So I told my friend this,
"You're tough. You can live without them. They do not deserve your tears because they cannot even be half of what you are."

You don't need the "cool" barkada, you don't need to "fit" in.
Because at the end of the day, none of it will matter.

Switch

2007-01-10T10:23:00.000-08:00

Recently, I did a favor for my friend.

She had this guy, her ex-boyfriend, and she wants him back.
To win him back, she wants me to call him and explain her side and practically, do all the work to get them back together.

I don't know what I was thinking but I actually agreed to help her. It took me a while to really consider the matter. See, I never call my friends' ex-boyfriends.

I just don't see the point.

Aside from the glaring fact that "friend, he doesn't want you anymore", I don't see the point of making me talk to him when you could just pluck-up the courage to tell him whatever it is you want to tell him yourself. What's my use?

What made me do it?

She is a very, very dear friend of mine and this is the first time I ever saw her put this much love on a guy. She generally doesn't care whenever the relationship's over. I call it the "Switch". She has this amazing power of a "switch" that she can turn on and off on every relationship she had.

But this is different. She's in floods everytime I see her and God knows, I never had peace in my life ever since she and that guy broke-up. She made it a point to let me know if she's crying, sad, missing him, etc..which is basically every minute of the day.

So I took pity on her. Hell, if she really loves this guy so much, then I can grit my teeth and call this lucky guy once and for all.

It didn't turn-out so good. They did not reconcile.

Well, I must admit, the guy has his reasons. Which I cannot argue with completely, because I am not her. See! this is the main reason why I don't want to do things like this.

So I continued to be the 'messenger' -- or the 'absorber' more like -- and lived like a fed-up bridge.

They finally came to their senses last Sunday.

One event lead them to totally hate one another and decided not to talk to each other ever again.

My friend came to my house and I looked at her cautiously. I was honestly afraid she might break into pieces right into our terrace.

She didn't.

Damn.

I forgot all about the "switch".

You were Never in my Christmas

2006-12-20T23:09:00.000-08:00

This is the time of the year when everybody feels extra sentimental about everything.
This is the time of the year when absence is intensified by Christmas Carols.
This, for the last four years, has been the time of the year that I include one particular wish to my list and wait in vain for it to happen.

A year ago, I would have been glad for a simple text message from you.
A year ago, I would have felt "kilig" to read (since it seems to be a huge "imposition" to hear from you) your unfeeling, pretentious greeting.
A year ago, I would have given anything to bring everything back to how it used to be.

It is amazing what 365 days and nights can do to your life.

Now, everytime I remember how lonely I was whenever you ignore me, I laugh.
Now, you can try your hardest to make me feel out-ouf-place on every high school gathering for all I care.
You can even continue to boast about some skinny, little, fair-complexioned, stupid-girl you say you are currently "on" with.
Now, you can freely feel good about yourself for hurting me.

Because I Don't Give A Damn Anymore.

It feels so good to say these words and finally Mean it.
It feels so good to have what I have lost in myself back.
I laugh.
I smile.

I think about the last Christmas that I allowed myself to be lonely because of you. How stupid was I to let you ruin this time of the year when I should celebrate about life?

Well, that won't ever happen again. I won't let it.

You were never in my Christmas anyway.

Tips from a Tired Fat Lady

2006-12-03T03:09:00.000-08:00

Every now and then, people would ask me how I manage to be confident despite my large size. I would tell them that basically, I couldn't care less if you think I'm fat. I mean, you wouldn't care less if I think you are a non-sensical mushy person, right? (Oh, wait...do you?)

It never fails. And I begin to wonder, does being fat means you can't be confident with yourself? Does being fat means you should go strive to be invisible (which is a rather hard thing to do, obviously) and wallow on self-pity instead?

No.

And so I came up with various answers, or you can call them tips on how to survive the cruel reality of the mundane society we are unfortunately in today.

Here are my Top 3:

3. Buy and Wear the right clothes for you.
Reality: Fat girls experience the most painful shopping for clothes in all of humanity. Even pampered pets can get their ideal costumes in just minutes (but that is if you have the money to buy them, and if you are thick enough to buy your pets clothes that they won't ever appreciate anyway). But chubbies do not have that kind of luxury. We can't afford to, unless we want to make a fool of ourselves trying to fit in to clothes half our size, which ladies, I want you to swear NOT to do.
Truth: Most, if not all, of the shops sell clothes in sizes as if they think no one could possibly have a 30 waistline.
So if you really want to look pleasant, if not good, try and make room for finding clothes that fit you nicely.
Surely, you don't need to be a kikay fashion guru to look in the mirror and decide if you look dumb.

2. It's all about Diversionary Tactics my dears.
I learned this during my early high school years. If you don't like some parts of your physical self like your body, try to hide them by emphasizing the part which you like best. Your face, perhaps.
Put some make-up on. Invest on your face, but don't forget about everything else either. Again, have a good eye for spotting what would accentuate your good qualities. But DON'T go over-the-top. We have learned the awful truth that too much of anything is not good for anyone.
Now, if you don't think that you have anything in you that is worth emphasizing, I suggest you work hard to earn huge amount of money. And then go and look for a good psychiatrist because you need it, trust me. Or you can just look for a sympathetic ear and understanding friend, it's the cheapest therapy.

(drumroll...)

1. Psych-up!
When I say psych-up, I don't mean to go literally to a psychiatrist. Look at yourself, talk to yourself. There's no use in wallowing in pity and wishing desperately to look like the starved anorexics you see on TV and on the pages of the magazines. They are just about 5% of the population of the whole world. Look around you, everbody is as imperfect as you are. There's no use crying over something all of us are experiencing anyway. No Use.
So what if they are thinner than you? So what if they have 25 waistlines? So what if you are double them?
Does that mean they're smarter than you? Does that mean they're kinder than you? Does that mean they're better than you?

No.

When it comes to that, all is fair game. It's how you would carry yourself in this world that would make a difference. It's how you would treat others with respect no matter what they look like. It's just how you would live your life.

So, do you still wonder how I manage to be confident despite my 30 inch waistline?

Old Photos, New Memories

2006-11-08T23:18:00.000-08:00

I have this habit of looking through our old photographs at least once every week.
I LOVE looking at old pictures. They give me that feeling of happiness and nostalgia.

Last night, I rummaged through our boxes again and found pieces of old photos that I haven't seen before. Old pictures of my lolo and lola.

My lolo Gerardo passed away before my older brother was born. A lot of people are telling me that it was unfortunate that he did not live long enough to see me and vice versa, I feel unfortunate that I have not been able to experience his "spoiling". My Mom and Tita told me that my Lolo was one of the pioneers of our Citizen's Brigade Band and that he wrote many of its core pieces. He plays the saxophone for the Air Force Band and boy, I would've loved to learn how to play the saxophone. Unfortunately (again) for me, his cousin borrowed his saxophone and did not return it and now my second third cousin Dan is using it and refused to give it back to us. Oh, well... I wanted to fight but my Mom told me to drop it.

My lola left us just recently, actually it was when Milenyo hit Luzon. Our house was not at all damaged but I would rather have a missing roof than experience this terrible feeling of missing her. Nanay raised her children alone when lolo passed away. She was just an ordinary housewife then but was skilled enough to get all her four children through college. She made clothes and uniforms and pretty much saved her money up to the last cent just to assure the future of her children. Nanay is the eldest of the 11 siblings. Being the eldest and a female, her parents did not let her finish school because they want her youngest brother to get the education they can only afford to give to one child.
Nanay, eventhough she really wanted to study, sacrificed and only finished grade two. But Tita said that she was impeccable at Math.
However, her youngest and most favored brother wasted away and have, until Nanay died, relied on Nanay for everything. But Nanay never forgot to take care of her brothrs and sisters.
We are aware that a lot of them, if not all, owe her huge amounts of money but are not bothering to pay her back. Nanay never talked about it in front of us but I was silently cursing them for doing that to her. And during those times when she was lying in her coffin, I was thinking, "look at her, she died taking care of us, taking care of you.Even though I know that she knew that you talked about her when she's not around."

I saw a picture of Nanay when she was young. She already looked tough. Maybe at the time when this photo was taken, she already accepted her fate. I don't know. But I terribly, terribly miss her.

Something to write about...

2006-11-07T01:06:00.000-08:00

I really don't like family gatherings.
Is it bad? I'm sorry, let me rephrase it.
I really don't like some family gatherings.
Why?
Because they are just the same.

I woke up Monday morning and found my mother, aunts, and cousins already cleaning the house and cooking food. I thought, "oh yeah, our relatives are coming today. Damn."
Ever since I was a kid, I was reluctant to face our relatives. It's not that I'm afraid of them, actually I have this feeling that they're kind of intimidated by me. I just don't like the way they'd greet us.

"Aba, talaga namang hindi kayo pinapabayan ng nanay nyo ha," one will say with that nasty grin.
"Ito na ba si Marisse? Aba'y mas malaki pa sa'yo ah," another will say with the same nasty grin.

And then as the day goes on, and I swear that this happens every single family gathering, one particularly annoying relative would ask and say, "may boyfriend ka na ba?" I would shake my head, dying with exasperation. "Aba, wala. Wag kang mag-alala. Meron din dyang makakapansin sa'yo," this particularly annoying relative would say. Then she would nudge herself closer to me in that conspirational fashion and would stage an ill-disguised whisper, "pero syempre kailangan magpa-payat ka pa ng konti, hehehe.." then she'll go on about her daughter having 10 suitors and not knowing what to do. Yadayadayadayada...

It's the same thing over and over again I'm sick of it all.

I'm sick of the pretending.
I'm sick of the boasts.
I'm sick of the taunts.
I'm sick of all those dieting conversations that I don't want, thank you very much.

I wonder when will they realize that I'm not like them who value appearance the most. (though, it's not apparent when you see them, believe me)
I don't want to be skinny. Albeit I admit that I do want to loose a few pounds but I am not doing it because I want to have a boyfriend. (there's just this jeans that I can't resist but i need to shed an inch to fit in it=p)
I am doing it for myself.

They always do that. My Tita suffers the same fate every gathering. She's still single at the age of 43. An old maid, in short. But I don't understand why they can't understand that she's happy with her life even without a husband. Of course she would love to have a child of her own, but regardless, she's happy.

It's her choice. It's my choice. I don't need you telling me that I can't be happy being the way that I am. Because being thin doesn't mean that you are a better person. Let us be.

Oh, by the way, the particularly annoying relative who constantly boasts about her daughter is not exactly a person to be envied.
Her so-called "beautiful" daughter got pregnant at the age of 16 and is pregnant again with another guy's child. But this current father of her child is apparently not her present boyfriend either. What's funnier is that when she got interrogated by the whole family, she can't pinpoint who the father really is.

And I was there, at one corner, eating chocolate mousse cake.

An Unwanted Proof

2006-11-03T07:05:00.000-08:00

It is rare that I let myself get disappointed with guys -- in general.
I mean, I know that not all boys are the same and that there are some who are -- uhm-- at least a bit (or so i hope) matured.

But then again, nature has its ways to get me into a rude awakening.

For less than 2 weeks I thought I found somebody who is basically unlike any other guy. I thought I finally got to see a sensible guy who really don't go for looks alone.
A guy who can really see right through a girl's soul. Someone who is not perturbed by good looks and skinny body. Someone who is genuinely interested in getting to know a girl because she has a good mind and heart.

When I met this guy, let's call him Nicey, I thought he's kind of "harmless" for a guy with his looks. He's not Gorgeous, but he's Nice-looking -- "Decent-looking". He is ever so polite with everybody. He doesn't flirt like most of the guys in his environment do ( but now i come to think about it, he's probably not just "openly" flirting).
Although I'm not interested on him that "Romantically" I admit that I have come to really like him and --- heck, yeah, I had a crush on him.

And so I went on admiring him. Glad that I finally found a guy who's --uhmm-- how will I put it? Okay, let tell you this first. Recently, I accepted a temporary work in a company as an encoder together with four other girls. This company is actually a plantation that makes glass. What you could expect from this kind of place is that 98% of the workers there are men. So I wasn't really surprised to see these men staring at us when we go to work.

Let me tell you about the other girls. I became friends with them. We had fun together. Two of them, let's call them Giggly and Loudy, look like your high school cheerleaders -- if you know what I mean. Fair-complexioned, skinny girls who are rarely seen without make-up? That's them.

Anyway, I have no problems whatsoever with them getting most of the attention of these obnoxious, forsaken, chauvinists; what I most cared about is that Nicey treated us fairly, engineer to an encoder.

To tell you the truth, I don't know the exact thing that happened that made me open my eyes to the real situation. i guess it was 85% instinct. It's something, I am beginning to realize, that I think God gave me to protect myself from these creatures.

Okay, fine, I saw them flirting. Period.

Okay, I know that not all flirty people are bad, but I'm sorry, I just don't see the point of doing it. Nicey has a girlfriend and I just thought, "is it worth it to tarnish what you described as your 'happiest relationship' just to be able to exchange giggles and meaningful jokes with another equally hollow-headed being?"

I actually saw more things than mere flirting but I'd rather not write about those. Even to think of it makes me sick.

And so I got my unwanted proof. Unwittingly received but appreciated all the same.

Hmmnn.. I don't want to be entirely skeptical with all this so I just think that I am yet to find that one guy who would look me straight to the eye and tell me that I am the most beautiful person he'd ever met.

Ha ha!!

Undiscovered Wish

2006-10-19T04:15:00.000-07:00

In a few days, this sem will be over.
In a few days, we can already relax.
In a few days, we won't be seeing each other for a while.
I can't wait.

I have been in my most miserable life ever since damned Milenyo hit the country.
I have been in my most vulnerable stater since God decided He wanted my Nanay to be with Him already.
I have been in my most lost day since I've realized I wouldn't -- couldn't see her anymore.
I have been grieving.

I have been looking forward to have my sembreak.
I have been looking forward to be with my family at this time of sorrow.
I have been looking forward to start putting back the pieces that the storm left scrambled on the ground.
I have been looking forward to start anew.

What you'e made of...

2006-09-23T18:43:00.000-07:00

Sometimes I can't help but wonder how God made us to be what we are. And sometimes I also wonder how can we be sure that it is for us.

Obviously, I cannot bombard anyone just to ask this, (anyway, this would probably be a silly questions for them)and I don't want to torture my friends and family for they know how "difficult" I can be.

So I tried to come up with answers to my own questions.

Maybe, God has his own archive of human beings that helps him keep track of his creations. (have you seen Bruce Almighty? sort of like that. but the files there were just prayers and I imagine his archive to be a lot bigger than that -- or maybe even smaller...you know God..)

Maybe, heaven is God's office. He has Saint Peter as his executive secretary, and the other apostles as department heads.

Maybe, deus ex machina is not just a part of greek civilization. Bill Gates would not have been the richest man on earth if not for some divine intervention. Imagine how many computer addicts there are in the world and he was the one who invented Microsoft.

People say that you are in charge of your own life. True.
People say that "nasa Diyos ang awa, nasa Tao ang gawa,". True.

God gave us something within ourselves that we should share. What we have to do is to discover it and prove to Him that we are worth it.

P.S.
Do I sound preachy? (Heck!)

The Commodity of Grief

2006-07-14T06:11:00.000-07:00

Pinoys love drama so much.
This is what i've realized as i looked at the pattern of successful shows on television.

Watch a soap opera and you'll see that their formula is to cry their stars dry. It didn't matter if the story is crap and unrealistic, as long as the star can produce never-ending supply of tears, the producers can assure themselves a lot of commercials.

Watch a reality show and you would see and hear contestants whining and talking about how unfortunate they are being the breadwinner of the family, no mother or father, having huge debts, can't continue their studies, etc. All those God-is-asleep-He-forgot-all-about-me-please-have-pity-on-me, go and load your cellphones so you can waste it by texting your vote so that i can win the damned million even though i'm not talented, extremely annoying, came from a foreign country, cannot even speak tagalog, and can only wave and say "Mahal ko kayo" as stupidly as possible.
Why, even seven-year-old kids are already shouldering their family's living saying that that's the reason why they joined the contest. The poor kid has had to endure a whole season of torture both from the contest and from the parents who pushed the poor child in joining the contest in the first place.

Watch game shows and they'll give you the same story of their ill-fated lives.

But it doesn't matter, we're buying it anyway.

And the irony of it all is that according to a poll conducted in London, we ranked as 17th as the happiest people in the world.

Wow.

To the Earth about your Moon

2006-01-22T20:57:00.000-08:00

I love the Earth. It is colorful. He is my brother.
But these days, I can sense that the Earth is having troubles inside himself.
It is still the same cheerful and reliable Earth. The same "demi-god".
Yet I can sense his loneliness.
I can feel his pain.
Why are you lost Earth?
Don't you know that much of the beings of the Galaxy loves you?
So what if your Moon doesn't care about your feelings?
So what if the Moon is not aware of your importance?
You are loved by others -- by us.

Dear brother, I have been telling you this for a long time and i will not ever get tired of saying this to you. Let it be.

Your Moon will soon realize that the one she had always taken for granted, the one she had always put he bottom of her priorities, is the very Gravity that anchors her so she won't fall.

Love,

Your Neighbor in the Solar System

Ashton

2005-12-15T22:57:00.000-08:00

I saw one of Ashton Kutcher's movie a while ago, The Butterfly Effect. At first I was apprehensive, I know that it is a serious drama movie and I don't know if I can appreciate Ashton in heavy drama scenes. You know, I'm so used to him doing practical jokes on celebrities and not taking anything seriously -- well, i don't know, maybe Demi's an exemption.

Anyway, my desire to watch the movie overcame my doubts on Ashton's acting ability. And you know what? It turned out to be fine. No. Actually, it is more than fine.

The Butterfly Effect is a really good movie. And i realized that Ashton can also have an acting range, you know. He can do other things other than messing around with celebs.

Lesson for the day, don't judge somebody just because he loves to see other people make a fool of themselves. Well, not always.

Watch The Butterfly Effect guys. It's a cool movie. Well, at least for me. Although I must warn you that it contains explicit language and violence. You might find it bothering, but I know that you are mature enough to watch this movie, aren't you?

I Don't Understand Why

2005-11-08T00:10:00.000-08:00

*before you read this entry make sure that you are not a skinny person with a fragile ego*

I Don't Understand Why people cannot believe that i don't want to be thin. I don't want to be thin. Period.

I Don't Understand Why people take it against you if your are above the "standard" human size. I mean, what's the fuzz? I don't take it against you if you are an anorexic walking dumbshell. (well, now i guess i already do)

I Don't Understand Why most of the people who bombard me with the same taunts are people who probably do not like to look in the mirror because they look exactly the same.

But what i Do Understand is that there are some people, especially those thin ones who love to call me "babe", who are taunting me because they know on themselves that there is nothing really wrong with me. But there's something wrong in them.

Oh well if it makes you happy then, go on. After all, I think your being "thin" is the only thing you think you can be proud of. Aren't you good at something else?

2005-08-15T04:11:00.000-07:00

"Everybody's Fool"

Perfect by nature

Icons of self indulgence

Just what we all need

More Lies about a world that

Never was and Never will be

Have you no shame don't you see me

You know you've got

Everybody Fooled

Look here she comes now

Bow down and stare in wonder

Oh how we love you

No flaws when you're Pretending

But now i know she

Never was and Never will be

You don't know how you've Betrayed me

And somehow you've got

Everybody Fooled

Without the Mask

Where will you hide

Can't find yourself

Lost in your lie

I know the Truth now

I know who you are

And i don't love you anymore

It Never was and Never will be

You don't know how you've betrayed me

And somehow you've got

Everybody Fooled

It never was and never will be

You're not real and you can't save me

Somehow now you're

Everybody's Fool

The Secret

2005-08-09T19:29:00.000-07:00

Finally, i discovered the truth about your indifference.

Funny how narrow-minded people can be.

I should kave known that everytime you guys eat, i should also go downstairs to watch you eat.
I should have known that the right to be quiet at times is only entitled to you.
I should have known that i cannot have my privacy for myself only.

Yeah, i'm sorry. For how many weeks have i not washed your dishes for you? One? Oh, okay, sorry. My bad.
Yes, and i did not listen to your sob stories for seven days. How evil of me.

Sorry.

I forgot how selfish all of you are. Silly of me.

And Kat, i thought for five glorious seconds that you finally came to your senses because you hoped that this will soon be over. But then again, you never failed to disappoint me. I thought for those seconds that you really wanted to regain the harmony between us. But no. What was your reason again? Ah yes, you're birthday's getting nearer. Right. I guess you don't have senses at all.

Well, didn't it ever occurred to those useless brains of you and your gang that my birthday is approaching too and you all are treating me this way? NO.
Didn't it ever occur to all of you that maybe - just maybe - you ought to give me even an ounce of respect to tell me what you really feel about me?
That maybe - just maybe - Mars has reasons why she failed to watch you eat that week. Like studies perhaps? My own problems? My family? My life?

You threatened the only friend i have left in that damned house not to tell me anything. You said you will talk to me anyway. When? In my dreams? Well you can erase that option now because you will not like what you will find in my unconscious.

I'm sorry again but the loyalty of my friend remains with me.

RC, i am really thankful that you became my roommate. You alone keeps me sane from the maddening enclosures of the house. Thank You.

And as for the sore losers, i am waiting for that talk.

Brace yourselves.

Indifference

2005-08-08T00:57:00.001-07:00

August 01, 2005. It's my birthmonth. I thought finally, things will somehow go my way since for the last two months my life have been somewhat-bland. I was so ready to make this month "my month". But how wrong i was.

August 01, 2005. I entered the familiar banged door. It still took me five minutes just to open it. I climbed the same stairs. Looked at the same face at the same mirror. Smelled the same orange scent of the familiar room. Everything was the same... yet it was not.

It was not the same friendly house. It was not the same smiling faces. It was not the same booming voices.
No more of the senseless talks about anything. No more of the overflowing rice on the dining table. No more of the warmth I fell in love with since the beginning.

No more of the family i once felt i belonged.

I don't know what happened. One second you are all talking to me animatedly, telling me about your babes, your weekend, your professor, your life. Then almost instantly you cannot meet my eyes. Silence took all of you and left me in confusion, wondering what i've done wrong.

Why?

No matter how i squeeze my brain i could not think of any possible reasons or anything i've done wrong to get your cold looks.

Why?

I thought we were all getting on so well. I thought there's a bond between us. I thought i've already prooved myself enough to be worthy of some explanation to take me away from this miserable feeling of lost. I thought we were friends.

I don't understand.

But every second of the day i am starting to care less and less. Every time i get no answer to my questions i became colder and colder. In every minute i am constantly reminded of your indifference. I am going back inside of the walls i once thought i can get rid of whenever i'm home, whenever i'm with you all.

The miserable feeling is now starting to befriend anger.

You are constantly telling people about your goodness and of how "astig" you are that you will tell anyone how you feel about them. Where is it now? You call yourself frank, tell you what, i call you backstabber. You call yourself honest, but in front of me, you're a bunch of lies. You don't even have the decency to tell me what's happening or if there's a problem with or what i have done wrong to you. You don't even have the decency to let me know.

I am lost. I am confused. I am mad.

How dare you.

Sa ating muling pagkikita....

2005-06-28T05:18:00.000-07:00

Maraming kababalagahan ang maaaring mangyari sa kahabaan ng daan sa pagitan ng Humanities Bldg. at ng Carabao Park. Ngunit hindi ko malaman kung bakit sa tuwing gusto kong mapag-isa at mag-isip ay may isang taong sisira nito. Nag-iisa na naman ako. Nagmumuni-muni uli. Hindi ko na naman pinapansin ang mga tao sa paligid ko. Teka, parang alam ko na ang mangyayari. Iniangat ko ang aking paningin. Inasahan ko na ang iyong mukha pero hindi ko pa rin kinaya. Nakita na naman kita. Hay! ang buhay nga naman. Akala ko magsasalita ka na naman. Akala ko magsasalita na naman ako. Akala ko mapapangiti mo na naman ako. Akala ko ikaw uli ang kaharap ko. Pero hindi. Ang babaeng kaharap ko ay tahimik. Hindi makatingin sa akin. At ang babaeng kaharap ko ay lumihis ng daan -- nang walang sinasabi. Himala.
Oo nga, hindi ka nagsalita. Oo nga, hindi mo ako napangiti. Pero may isang bagay na nananatiling totoo. PLUMP ka pa rin. =p

Pakibaba ang kilay ko.

2005-06-16T01:50:00.000-07:00

Mapayapa kong binabaybay ang mahabang sidewalk mula Humanities papuntang Carabao Park. Mag-isa ako. Nag-iisip. Walang pakialam sa mga tao sa paligid. Naramdaman kita. Paano ba namang hindi eh rinig na yata hanggang Math Building ang boses mo habang ipinagmamayabang mo sa kausap mo na nanligaw sa iyo ang kawawang lalaking pinag-uusapan ninyo. Pero dahil wala akong balak makialam sa mga tao sa paligid ko, hindi kita pinansin.

Pero sa halip ikaw ang pumansin sa akin. Biglang naiba ang usapan ninyo. Napunta sa ika mo nga ay isang "matabang babaeng napaka-bagal maglakad." Ang sabi mo pa nga "Ano ba naman itong matabang 'to, ang bagal!!".
Hindi kita pinansin. Sanay na ako sa mga taong ipinanganak nang may kakulangan sa pag-intindi at pag-iisip. Sabi ko sa sarili ko, sayang lamang ang panahon ko sa mga katulad mo.
Hindi ka tumigil sa pagpaparinig. Pinagtitinginan na tayo ng mga tao. May pagka-palengkera ka rin pala no? Sabagay, hindi na'ko magtataka. Pero kung inaakala mong bibilisan ko ang paglakad ko dahil sa mga parinig mong walang kakwenta-kwenta, nagkakamali ka.

Sanay na akong maging manhid sa mga ganyan.

Pero ikaw na yata ang pinaka-pasaway na palengkerang nakita ko. Sinimulan mo akong bunggo-bunggoin. Nagtimpi ako. Sinabi ko na lamang sa sarili ko na wala rin namang magyayari kung aawayin kita. Hindi kita Ka-level.

Pero mukhang naghahanap ka talaga ng taong papatol sa'yo. Palakas na nang palakas ang pag-bunggo mo sa akin. Nauubos na rin ang pasensya ko.
Napakaluwag ng UP. Kung gusto mong tumayo sa gitna ng daan para marinig ng lahat ng tao na may isang nagkamaling manligaw sa'yo, malaya kang gawin yon. Inuulit ko, napakaluwag ng UP.

Sa iyong kamalasan, dumating na ako sa puntong ayoko nang magpasensya. Kung gusto mong patulan kita, natupad na ang pinapangarap mo.
Bigla akong tumigil. napatigil ka rin sa pagtalak mo. Hinarap kita. Hindi ka nakapag-salita.

"Miss, you can just say excuse di ba?" Kaya lang mukhang sa liit ng utak mo, hindi ka rin nakakaintindi ng inggles. Kung sa ibang pagkakataon baka naawa na ako sa'yo. Baka kasi masyadong overwhelming na sa'yo ang mga pinagsasasabi ko. Pero dahil "inasar" mo'ko, wala na akong balak na tigilan ka.

"Are you really this mal-educated or that's just the way you are?" Naku, mukhang tumigil na sa pag-function ang kakatiting mong utak (iyon ay kung meron man). Natulala ka. Hindi ka yata makapaniwala na kinakausap ka ng isang tulad ko. Medyo naawa na ako sa'yo kaya napag-pasyahan kong tapusin na ang paghihirap mo.

"Ang yabang-yabang mo, bakit, MAGANDA ka ba?!".

Iniwan kitang nakatulala pa rin. Napasobra yata ako. Baka permanent damage na yung nagawa ko. Habang palayo ako sa alngasaw mo, natatawa na lang ako. Siguro sa susunod na magkita tayo, reregaluhan kita ng salamin. Mukhang matagal na panahon mo nang hindi nakikita ang sarili mo.

Ang lakas ng loob mong manlait ng kapwa mo samantalang wala ka rin palang maipagmamalaki kung ibabatay natin ito sa pamantayan mo.
Pero sa totoo lang, ito lang ang masasabi ko sa'yo:
There's only one word that can describe you:

"PLUMP."

A Hero's Dilemna

2005-06-13T06:40:00.000-07:00

I like Hero. I know some of you might find me cheap or corny but i just like him. I am not like the die hard dans who would do everything for him. No. It's not that. But i do believe that this guy has talent and deserves to be in show business. I mean you can hardly see a true talented actor nowadays especially since the top networks are mostly relying on the bankability of their stars rather than what they really do. we have to endure seeing these really "actors" and "actresses" on our television and even in the movies even though they can't even convince us they could think. But anyway, I do not write this article for them. -- Uh, you know what, i don't really know why i am writing this except from the fact that i felt annoyed with Cristy Fermin. Hmmmnnn...

This is just a preliminary.

2005-06-03T02:12:00.000-07:00

Bakit karamihan sa mga Pinoy na nakaranas lamang makatuntong sa Amerika akala mo sila na ang pinaka-maswerte at pinaka-edukadong tao sa Pilipinas? Akala ba nila porke nakatapak sila sa balwarte ni Bush "superyor" na sila sa atin? Pwes, kung bumalik sila sito upang ipamukha na mas nakatataas sila dahil nakaranas na sila ng snow, eh, bumalik na lang sila sa pag-t-tnt nila doon.

May nabasa akong isang artikulo sa The Philippines Star, sa Lifestyle section yata iyon kung hindi ako nagkakamali, isang babae ang nagsulat nito. Sa mga oras na ito hindi ko matandaan ang pangalan ng babaeng ito (dahil hindi naman siya talaga ganun ka-importante) pero ang mga sinulat niya sa artikulong ito ay ang siyang nakapagpa-init ng dugo ko. Ang titulo ng kanyang artikulo ay "The Annoying Practices of the Third World Country". Marami siyang sinabo dito na mga "negatibong" kaugalian daw nating mga pilipino dahilan sa ating pagiging "Third World Country". Hindi ko muna siya sasagutin ngayon. Ngunit ipinapangako kong sa susunod kong paglathala ay mababasa ninyo ang artikulong sinulat niya at ang aking sagot dito bilang Pinoy. Hindi ko matatanggap na dahil lang sa nakarating lang siya ng Amerika, malakas na ang loob niya na magsalita ng hindi maganda sa ating kaugalian. At dahil po sa sobrang inis ko ay napag-desisyunan kong tawagin siyang (sa ngayon, depende kung may maisip pa akong mas maganda. pwede din kayong mag-suggest) BUBULI.

Naalala ko nga pala ang pangalan ng column niya. Nakapagtatakang angkop na angkop ito sa intellectual capacity ni BUBULI, "Chuvaness".

P.S.
Hindi naman po halatang inis na inis ako, ano ho?

Kumusta na?

2005-05-08T04:56:00.001-07:00

Matagal na rin tayong hindi nagkikita.
Matagal na panahon na rin tayong hindi nag-uusap.
Siguro nakalimutan mo na'ko.
Siguro binura mo na ako sa iyong isipan.
Bakit nga ba?
Ano nga bang nangyari at nagkaganito tayo?
Ang pathetic no, hanggang ngayon hindi ko alam.
Hanggang ngayon iniisip ko pa rin.
Hanggang ngayon apektado ako.
Nakakaasar nga eh, kasi alam ko ikaw,
wala ka nang pakialam.
Sana katulad mo rin ako.
Sana matutuhan ko ring gawin ang mga ginagawa mo.
Ang mga pambabalewala.
Ang mga pagsasawalang-kibo.
Sabihin mo nga sa akin,
Paano ba ang lumimot?

graduation.

2005-05-05T03:00:00.000-07:00

first of all i want to congratulate all the graduates for this year.
finally, after all the crummings, cheathings and "extra curicular activities" you guys are finally done with college.
no more excruciating exams.
no more five foot long papers.
no more insane professors.
no more crazy classmates.
but then i also want to say goodluck.
goodluck because your competition are not only those who you graduated within this year but also the ones who graduated years back who still haven't managed to get a decent job.
goodluck to the processing of your papers.
goodluck to your future employers outside our beloved but extremely corrupted country.
may you end up with nice and generous employers who won't abuse you and will pay you on time.
we will miss you.
but you will surely miss us too.
but i also know the one thing you will surely miss the most when you get out of this university.
because from now on
say goodbye to your
allowance.

prisoners of our own history

2005-05-05T02:58:00.000-07:00

i am taking PI 100 this summer.
i took it because someone told me that it is better to take PI during the summer because it means less works, less readings, less presentations, less hassles.
i took it because i can.
but then i did not take it because i like it.
i am never a fan of rizal.
never was and never will be.
but it doesn't mean that i don't respect him, i do.
and i do acknowledge his works and the "inspirations" he gave to his fellow heroes.
but then why him?
why worship him?
but then i don't wanna take this problem any further because the last time i raised this issue we debated to death. i don't want to experience that again.
anyway, aside from PI i am also taking up Social Science 2.
now this is a different story.
i enjoy Sosc2 so much.
i love criticizing political systems and the society.
i love thinking about the possible solutions for our own country.
and i was surprised to realize that we can do numerous actions to get ourselves out of this mess.
it's just that we are not that totally sincere to implement them.
because though noble our original intention was, greed always gets in the way of our triumph.
greed.
how i loath this word.
if there's one thing i want to free ourselves with its not pain. because we need pain to feel happiness. for one cannot exist without the other.
i would erase greed in the face of the earth instead.
this way, maybe we could attain the everyday wish of every individual here who still believes in cliches.
World Peace.

it took me a long time

2005-05-05T02:40:00.000-07:00

the last i ever entered something on this blog was when i created it.
since then, i never visited my own blog again.
maybe because i am not used of typing my every thought and make it visible on line.
maybe i don't want other people to know my thoughts.
maybe because i have no time to go to the nearest computer shop and add a new post on my blog.
maybe i'm just lazy to create a nother one.
but then i thought, why the hell did i ever created my blog?!
and now i am writing this.
letting you know what happened since my last post.
and now i realized its just the same thing as the last.

beware!!

2005-03-02T02:50:00.000-08:00

beware.
andito nako.
maghanda ka ng maguluhan.
maghanda ka na ng alkazeltzer.
beware.